Film Review by the Numbers: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol: Colons: Colons Everywhere

Synopsis

CRAZY TERRORIST OF THE WEEK steals an UNREALISTIC NUCLEAR LAUNCH MACGUFFIN.  A BUNCH OF PEOPLE then converge on DUBAI to have a great big FIGHT and PISS IN THE FACE OF PHYSICS.

THE GOGGLES… THEY DO SOMETHING.

By the Numbers

  • Hawkeyes: 1
  • Super Hawkeye Trousers: 1 (pair)
  • Gloves of Continuity Error: +1
  • Newton’s Laws mocked: 3
  • International Monetary Funds: 0 …or…?
  • Largely Unnecessary bitch-fights: 1
  • Incidences of totally normal Middle-Eastern driving: 7
  • Product placements, sponsored by BMW: over 9000
  • Minutes that Hawkeye worries about the prospect of being in a hot server room: somehow, more than zero
  • Jefferies Tubes, magnetically levitated in: 1
  • Simon Pegg Sysadmin skill level: over 9000 (Trolololo)
  • These: 1

Overall: RATING: IMPOSSIBLE
INITIATE WIZARD PROTOCOL ALPHA
THIS WEB SERVER IS COMPROMISED
BY THE NUCLEAR MACGUFFIN (+1 VS XENU)
ONLY SIMON PEGG CAN SAVE YOU NOW
YES I AM DRUNK WHAT OF IT
/ 5

Film Review by the Numbers: G-Force

Synopsis

NICHOLAS CAGE plays a SECRET AGENT, who is also BAD PUN MOLE.  Together with THE WHITE GUINEA PIG, THE MEXICAN GUINEA PIG and THE BLACK GUINEA PIG, they fight EVIL BILL NIGHY.

I’m rooting for EVIL BILL NIGHY.

By the Numbers

  • Things for worms: 1
  • Guinea pig DDRs: 1
  • Guinea pig Facebooks: 1
  • Stealth Hamsters: 0
  • Memory stick-stealing cockroach armies: 1
  • Hamster, in percentage ferret: 25
  • Caravans destroyed: 1
  • Fireworks per incidences of “O Fortuna”: 314
  • Uses of the word “varmint”, per FBI agent”: 0.17
  • Taser toasters: 1
  • NOOOOOOOODES: 26
  • Cockroach disco balls: 1
  • YIPPEE KI YAY, COFFEE MAKER: YIPPEE KI YAY, COFFEE MAKER

Overall: 0 / 5

RIP Cinema 1896–2009

Film Review by the Numbers: Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Synopsis

RON PERLMAN plays RON PERLMAN.  RON PERLMAN fights ELVES.  RON PERLMAN wins.  RON PERLMAN fights CTHULHU.  RON PERLMAN wins.

RON PERLMAN also suffers no penalties to his COMBAT ROLLS while holding a NEWBORN BABY in his OFF HAND.  Ergo, HELLBOY is PRINCE CHARMING.

By the Numbers

  • Scenes of Hellboy brushing his teeth: 2
  • Squishy humans inexplicably not running from pants-wetting doom: 50
  • Squishy human agents inexplicably taken on field missions against pants-wetting doom: 3
  • Fishsticks: 1
  • Infinite Ammo cheats: 37
  • Kung fu fairies: 1
  • Elemental, mana cost: 3
  • Deep One / Elf romances: 1
  • Boding Staircases Leading to the Final Boss: 1
  • Colour-coded Magic Doom Robots: 490
  • Inexplicable Battles on Giant Gears: 1
  • Nit-pickings with the mythology: many
  • Impact: 72pt

Overall : 3 / 5

Somehow… better than expected.

Film Review by the Numbers: Spanglish

Synopsis

ADAM SANDLER…  ADAM SANDLER…
Tͫ͋͋ͨͭo̝̞̘̿̑ͤ͒̀̚̚ ͚̤̮̮̇ͬͯ͜i̞̎n̮̝ͫ̏v̯̤̬̦̭̪̻͜ö̻̣͖́ͅǩͪ͋͑ͤͭe͕̰͋ ̱̺͇̟̗̮͂̂ͨ͐̔ẗ̼̙̞̮́̑ͯhͥͩ̅ͣeͧͩ̃ ̡̻̜̮̘ͦh̥̱͉̼͆̎͐͊i͚̺̲̝̖̰͗͛͑̌ͨ̀v̗̯̞̩͆̈͛̕ͅe͙̩̭͂͘-͔̪̩̅ͯ̍̈́ͩͥ̚m̫̜̱̳͋i͓̳̓ṅ̛̅d̮̪̘̓ͪͣ̚ ̙͖͎͇͛̈́ͮͅͅr̴͇̳͈ę͍̤̼̰̣p̜̖͓̞ͪͪ̈́̅ͅř̠̘͖͈̼͋̉e̲̰̥̹̯̯̻͛̏ͤ͒̂͗ͣs̻͍̥̳̅̐̃ͮ̇̋́ͅē̮͙̿͒̓ṅ̢̤͇̌ͩt̬̖͉i̲͙̭̝ͦ̂̇̒̓̃ͅn͛ͅğ̟̙̩̉̉ ͇̹̹̓̔ͨͯͮ̀ͥc̤͔̬̮̱̋͡h̪͓̰̰̤ͯ͊̐̽a̛͖̓̉ͭo͠s͔͓.̋ͧͩ҉͓̤̙̠̲
̪̅̂̿̈́́̐͢ͅI͉̟̬͎̟͗̐̀̏ͭ̄̚ñ̞̻̫͋͗ͣͅv̿̋̐ͪ́̚͏͚̭̩̼͔̳o͍̪͔ͮ́̾̊k̞̘͆ͫͤͪ͒i͖̰̹̐ṋ̭̯͔̳̍̽̀g͚͕̦̱̼̣͌̑ͨͫ̉̆̚͡ ̤̰͈̪͍͇̒ͯ̊ͭ̂͒ţh̢̘͉̖̳̠̹̲̀̐̀͌ͯe ̱̱̠̔͆̄ͪ͜ͅf̷̳̥͖͉̓ͪ̿̅ͬ̔ͨe̹͔ͭ̔͛͒̈̅ͩe͓̤͇͛͛l̯̰͐ͬī̢̹̥̽n̜̼̈́̒͑̓͌͞gͧ̈̈́͗ͭ ̸̗͙͈̱̙̭̒̋̉̓ͧ̍ͨǭ͙͈fͩ̉͌ ̨̦̤̔ͮ̍̿̇ͮ̎c͎͔̻̤͓̏͠ͅh̬̳̘͈̩̓͢a͙͍̭̭̟̣ͪͅŏ͓̝̓̓̆sͧͮͧ̓̒͜.̩̹͙̌͆͋́̚̚
͓͍̠̺̯͊͑͂͝W̗̭̟̻̘͍̓͐͋ͭi̲̭̯̍ͯ̚͞t̜̝̜͌̿̀̾̆̄̎͡h̥̺͇̜̯ͤ̾̅͟ ͔͐͛͋ͯͯo̪͔̟̹̒ͧ̚u̿ͮ̆t̠̝ ͒ͫͪͯ͆ͫ̍ǫ͙͚̜̹͈̗̿̓ͨr̋̓̅ͭ̍̒̚͝d͚͔͎͓̱̔ͧͬ̈́̃̇ͅḛ̭͕̬͖̟ͧ̒ͯ̾̾r̛̻͙̰̖͖̆̾̿.̘̮̲̞͑
̼̮͇̥͍̓ͣ̊́͡T͚̾ͫ͆̎h͉̯͚̤̓̆̋̍̒͆e̞͍͍̬̪̖̹ͧ́ͪ̽ ̦͖̤̻̺ͤ͑̑̽N̲̤e̢̻̖̬͐͛̌͌ͯz͒͑ͫ̐ͬ͗̋҉̞̹̗ͅp̅̈́̈́́̚e̹̞̫̜̭͑̔̓͌̑̓̍r͉̖̖̹̉͜d̫̓i̞̥̠̤a̫͙͚ͮͭ͋͝ṋ̢̝̥̮̩ͨ͆͗ ͉̪͋ͮͯ̓́hͯͨ̏i̧͙̠͑͂ͯͭͦ̈́ͨv̶̞͖̘e̖̭͕̳̊ͭ-̭̩̼̆ͯͥ̑m̗͖̬̒̽̈́ͭ̚i̻̒̾ͦ͊ͤ͌n͕̤̜̦͙̞̪̅̄ͬͥ͟d̸̙̐ ̢o͇͕͍͎̰ͩf̢̫͖̍ ̅́c̛͙̆͊ẖ͖͆̑̏̆͊̈̍a̰̻͑̅̂o͎̱͇̻̬ͭ̚͡s͍͐͂ͭ́ͩ.͎͛̃̉͞ ̭͔͔͆͌̐ͤ̽̀̈́͡A̱̝̬̤͓͈̠d̩̜̙͕͌͌ä̫̯͎̩̱̟m̸̮̪̮̈̄͋͌ͅ ̀̓̎̏̚͏̥͔S͔̋̉͂͑͛͌̄ả͋̊ńd̨͕̺͓̥̳͚̝l̞̰͈̠͆͠ͅẽ͕̪͓̺̜̟͋̆̔͌͆ͯ͝r͉͓̰͇͖̪̭̾͐ͫ̕.̥̱̗͓͑̍̅̉ͮ͛͢ ̖͐̈́
̬̰̠̯̭̃̉ͫ̍̉̍ͫH͚̀ͬͮ̅͡e̩̞̼̰̻͚̐̂ͦͬͯ͐ͮ͢ ̝̬͂ͫ̏w̲̲̞h̨̰̖̹̟͔ͩͫ͐̍o͌ͫͯ̈͛́͌͏ ̣̦̖̝͍ͭ͛́ͣW̵̹͕͙̬͒̈a̘ͨ̊̀ͨ̈ͦì̪͔ẗ̓ͬ͂̇͏̟̠s͉̥͕̜ͣ͛ ̯ͧ̈ͪ͗B͡e̥̖̮̗̳̞̎h̗̪̯̲̥̉̂̀͛̚͢ï҉̻̹̱̹n̛̲̩̗͛̐̀d͙̿ͣ̈́͌̇ ̂ͦͧ͆T̘̭̱͟h̭̺̔̿ͭ̔é̪ͩ̓ ̼͙͖̼͂ͫW̵͈̟̩͇̟̦͓̾̄ͧͮ͗a̫̩̖̳͖̱̘̍͊ͩļ̩̺͓͉̱l̴̥͈̖̭͓̬̳̊ͨͯ̐̓̅̚.̡̮ͯ̒̽ͨ
̦̠̾ͯ̆̌͐̌̚Ä̫̹́̇̔D̊̿ͨ͡A̛̼̩͕̩̳ͩ̓M̨̬̞̓ͅ ̶͍͚͖̰̬̰ͦS̸̐̔ͥA̠̞̎̅̄̊́ͩ͝N͗͛ͪḌ̰̦̠̩̂͒̎̒L̝̿̍ͯȨ̜͍̦͖̩̼͈̑̐͊͂ͧR̬̜̜ͨͣ̈́̋!҉͔͖̦͓̫̪

 

…wait, it wasn’t actually that bad?!  What the flying beebles?

By the Numbers

  • Casual racism factor: significant
  • Inevitable “Americans can’t do the rolling R sound” scenes: 1
  • Characters in this movie more irritating than Adam Sandler’s: Somehow, 1
  • Characters in this movie more of a dick than Adam Sandler’s: Somehow, also 1
  • Minutes of Adam Sandler sex scene I wish I hadn’t seen: 4
  • Eric’s embarrassment level: infinite
  • Time taken to learn passable English from scratch: < 1 month (where do I get some of those DVDs?)
  • High-speed car chases: 0
  • High-speed jogger chases: 1
  • THAT FLOOR… IT’S GOING TO EAT US ALIVE: 1
  • Extent to which Cristina should have put up with her mother’s shit: 0
  • Minutes shorter this movie could easily have been: 60
  • My disappointment that the Spanish audio track on the DVD didn’t seem to work: over 9000
  • Chance that the audio track didn’t work because listening to it would be the linguistic equivalent of dividing by zero: 97%

Overall: 3 / 5

Film Review by the Numbers: Green Lantern

Synopsis

RYAN REYNOLDS is happily living his life as TOM CRUISE until one day a CONVENIENT PLOT POINT occurs and transforms him into a LUDICROUSLY-COSTUMED SUPERHERO.  On the PLANET OUCH, he is recruited by NAPPA FROM DRAGONBALL Z to become a SPACE COP, then saves THE UNIVERSE from a VOLCANIC ASH CLOUD that he is weak against because it is YELLOW.

COMICS, lol

By the Numbers

  • Mavericks: 1
  • Icemen: 0
  • Moss from The IT Crowd: 1
  • Megaminds: 7
  • Lanterns: 3600
  • Hollywood aliens: 3599
  • Hollywood jet engines: 8
  • Hollywood ejector seats: 1
  • Hollywood missiles: 2
  • Hollywood asteroid belts: 1
  • Hollywood gravity: check
  • Hollywood space physics: check
  • Number of the above points I should not be complaining about because it’s a story about superpowered space policemen with magic rings: 12

Overall: 3 / 5

Eric and I could not decide what the point was of the scenes where the Lanterns all shoot light into the sky together using their rings.  We came to the conclusion that it was because Ultimate Cosmic Power is boring if you can’t occasionally use it to EJACULATE IN THE FACE OF GOD.

Love / H8
A Review of Windows 8 Consumer Preview

Microsoft’s next operating system, Windows 8, is now available in “Consumer Preview” form — a release designed to let potential customers know what to expect from it when it launches in around six months’ time. It’s probably a very good idea to give it six months to soak in, because just in case the tech media has entirely passed you by, it looks like this:

Metro Start Screen

Nary a Start Menu in sight. Microsoft has gone all-out with its minimal, colourful “Metro” design that appeared first on Windows Phone 7 before coming to the Xbox 360 and finally to the desktop/tablet OS itself.

I say “tablet” there because Windows 8 is very much focussed on the tablet — sometimes, it appears from the Consumer Preview at least, to the detriment of the desktop experience. It makes its point even before you first log in, with its photograph that overlays the login screen. How do you get from there to the login options? Swipe up. Or for a desktop user, the much more awkward click-and-drag-up. (Luckily, pressing a key also works.)

Where’s the Start button? There isn’t one. To get back to the Metro tiles, you swipe in from the bottom-left of the screen, or from the right and press the Start button that appears. Both are easy, if not exactly intuitive, gestures on a tablet but are very awkward with a mouse. The same applies for the task switcher (swipe from top-right). And Metro apps can’t be closed apart from by going to that task switcher and dragging an app off the panel. In practice, for the desktop user, this means relying on the Windows key, Alt-Tab and Alt-F4 instead of the mouse gestures that are just too annoying to use all the time.

The key usability ethos that drove Windows Phone’s Metro interface is that it should be “glanceable”; that users shouldn’t have to go into different apps or do complex things just to see the information that’s important to them. This idea has made it through to Windows 8 relatively intact — there’s a mail tile that shows your new mail, a calendar tile that shows upcoming appointments, and so on. It feels a lot like a phone or a tablet, but what it doesn’t feel much like is a real, multi-function, generic computer.

Windows 8 Calendar

Calendar

Windows 8 doesn’t break support for all the apps you’re used to, but it does add new Metro-style apps of its own on the top. They’re really, really pretty — and currently unfinished, though that’s par for the course for an unreleased operating system. Above, the calendar’s month view really shines in full screen (though you can’t show more than just your primary Google calendar). Below, the equally pretty and minimal mail app (that doesn’t support generic POP or IMAP accounts yet).

Windows 8 Mail

Mail

Some integration is very well done, such as the Pictures app which automatically shows pictures from Facebook, Flickr and SkyDrive:

Windows 8 Pictures - Flickr

Pictures

…but some is less well done, such as the “What’s New” page shown below. Huge amounts of wasted space make it largely unusable as a main way of interacting with the Twitter and Facebook feeds that it shows. (It’s also the interface’s only serif text, which is slightly jarring.) Hopefully this app will get a lot of attention before launch.

Windows 8 "What's New"

"What's New"

There are a few ugly lines and some odd incidences of 16px Arial bold too, such as in the weather app (below). On any other interface they’d go unnoticed, but given the smoothness and the emphasis on large, thin typefaces everywhere else in the GUI, they stand out.

Windows 8 Weather

Weather

By contrast the new Windows Store really nails the appearance, showing off how beautiful Metro can be. Again, as expected for a pre-release OS, the store is a ghost town with only a couple of dozen apps in total. Apps from the store install and update as expected, which may finally put an end to the manual effort of keeping Windows apps up-to-date, at the cost of putting more of the computing experience under Microsoft’s control. (Of course, you can still download and install apps without going through the store.)

Windows 8 Store

Store

The full list of installed applications isn’t on a Start Menu but is instead part of the system-wide Search functionality, just like on smartphone operating systems. Luckily you can get there just by typing on the Metro “Start” screen, so it works as a decent app launcher for keyboard-lovers.

Windows 8 Complete Menu

Search

As you can see, non-Metro apps are included in this list too, and when activated, the main problem with Windows 8 becomes apparent: schizophrenia.

It’s like there are two teams at work on Windows 8 (there probably are) and they refuse to talk to each other or share ideas. From a world of simple minimalism, geometric tiles and large thin fonts, the simple request for a file browser window drops you immediately into this:

Windows 8 Explorer

Explorer

Five menus worth of “ribbon” interface, icons in ribbons, icons in the title bar, minimise and maximise, location bars, side bars… The Explorer GUI would have looked at home in Windows 7, but against the rest of Windows 8 its needless complexity and over-engineering is staggering.

To the left of the screen are desktop shortcuts that bear no resemblance to your Metro “desktop shortcuts”. At the bottom of the screen, a taskbar that doesn’t include the Metro apps you have open. And of course no Start button, no hint to the novice user that there is a way back to the completely different interface they were using just now. (If you’re wondering, the corner-hotspot-gestures still work, bringing up weird semi-transparent overlays over the Windows desktop.)

For the many people who are going to hate the Metro interface, it’s nice that you can use Windows 8 largely from the traditional desktop — but if you don’t pin all the desktop apps you want to the taskbar, you’ll have to dip back into Metro to launch them. Unfortunately, for those people, there’s no compelling reason to upgrade. The desktop experience is nearly identical to Windows 7, and all Windows 8 adds is a weird extra GUI layer that you hate.

For the people, myself included, that love the Metro interface, we have the opposite problem. Simple productivity tasks can be done from Metro, but to get any real work done — a web browser that supports more than 10 tabs, say, or a word processor, or a game — you’ll be switching back to the desktop interface far more often than you’d like.

Windows 8 Settings

Settings

With Windows 8, Microsoft have set themselves a monumental challenge. Rather than follow in Google and Apple’s footsteps by adapting their mobile OS for tablets, they have chosen to differentiate themselves by adapting their desktop OS instead — the same desktop OS that is used by an estimated 90% of all computer users. If they fail, it will have been an expensive experiment that could cost them ground in the desktop market as well as the tablet market. If they succeed, they will have stolen Apple’s crown as the greatest innovator in desktop operating systems.

This time next year, we’ll know for sure.

In the mean time, I’m rebooting into Linux.

Film Review by the Numbers: The Three Musketeers (2011)

Synopsis

ATHOS is a NINJA FROGMAN.  ARAMIS is BAT-SNAPE.  MILADY DE WINTER is QUEEN ELIZABETH.  PORTHOS and D’ARTAGNAN are… pretty accurately portrayed, to be honest.

Together, they fight CRIME THE CHURCH!  And its INEXPLICABLE ZEPPELIN!

By the Numbers

  • Games of Medieval: Total War played: 2
  • Macguffins: 3
  • Uses of Bullet-time: 3
  • Booby traps, per corridor: over 9000
  • Tripwires, per vault: over 9000
  • Buttercup: 1
  • Horses given parking tickets: 1 [citation needed]
  • Swashes buckled: 725
  • Lord Flashhearts: 1
  • Baldricks: 1
  • Wenches on winches: 1
  • Airship-mounted flamethrowers: 1
  • Steampunk factor: significant
  • Century: Allegedly, 17th
  • Muskets used by musketeers: as always, zero

Overall: 4 / 5

Cheese rating: Roquefort (obviously)

Seventeenth Century airships and the Notre Dame cathedral?
RULE 34.  NO.  FUCKING.  EXCEPTIONS.

Film Review by the Numbers: Twilight – Breaking Dawn part 1

Synopsis

POUTY McANGSTFACE finally gives in and marries her CREEPY EMO STALKER.  Then they FUCK and ANGST ABOUT IT.  Then she is PREGNANT, and they ANGST ABOUT IT.  Then there are WEREWOLVES, who ANGST ABOUT IT.  Then BELLA DIES, and…

BELLA’s SECRET VAMPIRE POWER is the ability to DIAL SOMEONE with a SINGLE SWIPE from the HTC SENSE LOCKSCREEN.

By the Numbers

  • Seconds between movie starting and Chesty Jake getting Chesty: 12
  • Genuinely happy people at wedding: 0
  • Wedding vow montages: 1
  • 117-year-old virgins: somehow, 1
  • Worrying sentences uttered by wife (mine, not Edward’s): 3
  • KILLER BABIES: 1
  • Yahoo! image searches: 3
  • Human blood, in millilitres per soda cup: 300
  • Jarring chords to Caesarian Sections ratio: 74
  • Were-Pedobears: 1
  • Minutes of angsty tedium: 117
  • Minutes of inexplicable mid-credits campy vampire horror: 2
  • Acting, in picoShawshanks: 0.45
  • Laphroaig, in years matured: 10

Overall: herp / derp

Film Review by the Numbers: Laws of Attraction

Another quality FRbtN from the pen of Danfox Davies!

Synopsis

NEW YOIK. You may remember this view of it from such films as HOME ALONE, including some of the cast. This time, however, we have no CULKIN, fewer MISCHIEVOUS HIJINKS and some mild romantic comedy SHENANIGANS.

By the Numbers

  • Slow court cases: 1
  • TV channel number of choice: 6
  • Clumsy moments: over 9000
  • University burnouts: 1
  • Seminars: 1
  • Wrong things to spark off a relationship: all of them
  • Laws: 3
  • Of which are broken: 1
  • Gossip: topped up every 2 minutes at most
  • Minutes until I could see exactly which way this film was going: 8
  • Huevos des chivos: 17
  • Likelihood of the circumstances of the story actually happening: <0.009
  • Actual decent people with any credible morals: 0
  • Castles: 1
  • Irish stuff: yes
  • Inescapable divorce lawyers: 1
  • Cheesy lost in the forest moments: too many considering this is neither HOODWINKED nor HARRY POTTER
  • People the Irish seem to agree with: somehow, more than 1
  • Irish stereotypes: 5
  • pH: 3
  • Montages: 2
  • Divorce lawyers divorcing from a marriage that didn’t actually happen: 2
  • Predictability: 90%

Overall: 2 / 5

At least it has a plot, but not much new ground to tread. The acidity levels of the dialogue are also too high.
And things happened, then the film ended.

Film Review by the Numbers: Angel

By guest reviewer DANFOX DAVIES:

Synopsis:

Stolen HARRY POTTER Music shoved hurriedly into the EDWARDIAN era on a set somewhere between DAVID COPPERFIELD and NANNY MCPHEE. BOWLER HATS and lack of plot sense belie the FRENCH ORIGINS of the film.

MILDRED HUBBLE is ridiculed at CACKLE’S ACADEMY and starts RUMOURS.
She casts the NEVERENDING STORY spell and these rumours get a little too real.
Writing BOOKS is such fun, Mildred almost fails to notice her MOTHER is becoming less Nanny McPhee and more CLARA COPPERFIELD by the day. Her SMUGNESS outlasts her mum and her PATHETIC PAINTER crawls back with ONE LEG and a BEARD. Then it gets WORSE so she dresses as CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW and goes EMO-GOTH.

By The Numbers:

  • Incredulous fake laughs: 2
  • How dare you’s: 2.2
  • Worst Witches: 1
  • Children scared by them: at least 1
  • Letters delivered: 3
  • By owl: 0
  • Make-up, in hours it took to layer it deep enough: 9
  • Do I look like a man?: 1
  • Glasses removed for a serious Look: 1 pair.
  • Bowler hats on extras: over 9000
  • Of which are later replaced with Trilbies: at least 3
  • Obvious green screens: 5
  • Lolcats: 6
  • 4th wall facial expressions: most of them including all of Mildred Hubble’s
  • Jars of pickled eggs: 5
  • Chitty Chitty Bang Bangs: 8
  • Huge dogs: 2
  • Of which died during the making of this film: 1
  • Shameless sucking-up moments: 2
  • Dreamy glides through tidy gardens: 3
  • Attempts to place selves in genres: 5
  • £400?!:1
  • Musical mood swings: 15 or so
  • Painters using psychology to get in bed with an author and later regretting it, leaving her and then crawling back a gambler and debtor:1
  • The cost to him of leaving her: 1 leg, -1 beards
  • Deathbed scenes:2
  • Seconds between a mother’s death and her daughter selling her story: 9
  • Boost this provides to book sales: predictably, over 9000
  • Use of God Save The King to introduce the smugness: Quite.
  • Posh networking events: 7
  • Hermiones: somehow, 1
  • Loves requited despite smugness: amazingly, more than 0
  • Montages to move the story breezily along: 5
  • Magic elixirs: 1
  • Reduction in quality of paintings between beginning and end of film: 100%
  • Difference this makes to the film or the paintings: 0%
  • Angels: 0
  • Servants who quit this farce: 2 including the husband.
  • Badly acted illnesses: 2
  • Disappointed pipe smokers: 1
  • Rape kisses: 1
  • Nudity scenes: 3
  • Sex scenes: 3
  • Of which are rapes: 1
  • Actual plot aside from the lessons about obsession with writing: very little
  • Lesbian relationships in the closet, later moved to a cottage: 1
  • Games of hangman, real and cheated at: 1
  • Relationship between main character bitchiness and number of deaths: exponential
  • Naff last words: all of them.
  • Obvious fake snow: all of it

Overall: 2/5

I mean, really, there aren’t even any angels in it. OK, there are a couple of stone cherubs and Mildred Hubble claims her name is Angel. So?
The moral: erm, if you’re a bitch you should dream through your life so you don’t notice your immense smugness.