Tag Archives: Marvel

Film Review by the Numbers: Captain America (2011)

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Syn­op­sis

WEEDY MCWEEDY, unable to join the ARMY (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH) the nor­mal way, decides to enlist as a SUPER-SOLDIER (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH) cre­ated using SECRET NAZI STEROIDS (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH).

He angsts for a bit in a DORKY COSTUME (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH) before decid­ing to blow up MOST OF EUROPE (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH).

“Doc­tor Zola! Sound the Octo-alert!”

By the Numbers:

  • Cap­tain Amer­ica cos­tume ridicu­lous­ness, when on a real per­son: 275
  • Red Skull red skull ridicu­lous­ness: 304
  • Elrond: 1
  • Tommy Lee Jones: 1
  • More films we need with Howard Stark in them: Many
  • Nick Fury badassery: Still astronomical
  • Objec­tions my brain made to Odin-powered super-laser tanks in 1942: 0
  • Objec­tions my brain made to after­burn­ing jet engines and long range plane-mounted radar in 1942: 2
  • Explo­sions: over 9,000(,000)
  • Motor­bikes jump­ing explo­sions: 26
  • Physics: lol
  • Guys that reminded me of Mecha Hitler: 5
  • AMERICA: FUCK YEAH

Over­all: 4 / 5

Film Review by the Numbers: Thor

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Syn­op­sis

THOR, a TWELVE-YEAR OLD ARYAN SPACE PENIS, fights STUFF. Then, he fights some MORE STUFF. Then, he pro­ceeds to fight YET MORE STUFF. This counts as a VICTORY, because in the COMBINED WORLDS of MARVEL and NORSE MYTHOLOGY, how could it not?

ODIN and LOKI, the only two SENSIBLE CHARACTERS in this FILM, some­how come off look­ing bad.

By the Numbers

  • Loki eye­brows raised: 14
  • “Mad­ness? …What kind of mad­ness?”: 1
  • Vol­stagg, in waist size (inches): con­fus­ingly, 40
  • Mys­tic Ancient Tele­porters: 1
  • Light­ning Gods tased: 1
  • “THIS MORTAL FORM HAS GROWN WEAK. I NEED SUSTENANCE.”: 1
  • Unex­pected Mud Wrestling Peo­ple: 2
  • Sec­onds taken to talk a man guilty of mul­ti­ple counts of GBH out of a secure mil­i­tary facil­ity: 140
  • Hooble tele­scopes: 1
  • Sif pissed-off fac­tor: sur­pris­ingly little
  • Metal Fac­tor: approx­i­mately 8000
  • B-Movie Fac­tor: over 9000

Over­all: 4 / 5

The Marvellator

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“The Mar­vel­la­tor” is a sim­ple PHP script that gen­er­ates ran­dom, bizarre or pos­si­bly wor­ry­ing comic book titles, usu­ally in the style of “The Amaz­ing Spi­der­man”, “Incred­i­ble X-Men” etc. I think the most hor­ri­fy­ing prospect it’s gen­er­ated for me is “The Adven­tures of Tiny Rorschach” — even more hor­ri­fy­ing because it actu­ally exists. (Thanks Frankie.)

Nat­u­rally, this has noth­ing to do with Mar­vel Comics in any way (please don’t sue me).

You can:

Film Review by the Numbers: The Incredible Hulk (2008)

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The Incred­i­ble Hulk (2008) (not to be con­fused with Hulk (2003), the Incred­i­ble Hulk (1987) or the Pretty Good, I Guess Hulk (2013).)

BRUCE BANNER blah blah blah SCIENCE blah blah BLOOD blah blah GREEN blah HULK SMASH. Blah blah ANGST. Some STUFF hap­pens, and it was gen­er­ally a bit bet­ter than the PREVIOUS ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE HULK MOVIE.

Punches thrown by Giant Mutant Things: Over 9000
Pur­ple stretchy pants: 1
Armoured vehi­cles exploded: 7
Abom­i­na­tions that involve bacon: 0
Abom­i­na­tions that do not involve bacon: 1
Guatemala: 1
Guate­peor: 1
Lol­physics moments: 2 (exclud­ing the premise itself)
HULK SMASH: 1
Robert Downey Jrs: 1
Samuel L. Jack­sons: 0
Movies with almost iden­ti­cal end­ings we still have to put up with before they finally make the damn SHIELD movie: 3?

Over­all: 3/5