Tag Archives: Marvel

Film Review by the Numbers: Captain America (2011)

Posted on by
Reply

Synopsis

WEEDY MCWEEDY, unable to join the ARMY (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH) the normal way, decides to enlist as a SUPER-SOLDIER (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH) created using SECRET NAZI STEROIDS (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH).

He angsts for a bit in a DORKY COSTUME (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH) before deciding to blow up MOST OF EUROPE (AMERICA, FUCK YEAH).

“Doctor Zola! Sound the Octo-alert!”

By the Numbers:

  • Captain America costume ridiculousness, when on a real person: 275
  • Red Skull red skull ridiculousness: 304
  • Elrond: 1
  • Tommy Lee Jones: 1
  • More films we need with Howard Stark in them: Many
  • Nick Fury badassery: Still astronomical
  • Objections my brain made to Odin-powered super-laser tanks in 1942: 0
  • Objections my brain made to afterburning jet engines and long range plane-mounted radar in 1942: 2
  • Explosions: over 9,000(,000)
  • Motorbikes jumping explosions: 26
  • Physics: lol
  • Guys that reminded me of Mecha Hitler: 5
  • AMERICA: FUCK YEAH

Overall: 4 / 5

Film Review by the Numbers: Thor

Posted on by
Reply

Synopsis

THOR, a TWELVE-YEAR OLD ARYAN SPACE PENIS, fights STUFF. Then, he fights some MORE STUFF. Then, he proceeds to fight YET MORE STUFF. This counts as a VICTORY, because in the COMBINED WORLDS of MARVEL and NORSE MYTHOLOGY, how could it not?

ODIN and LOKI, the only two SENSIBLE CHARACTERS in this FILM, somehow come off looking bad.

By the Numbers

  • Loki eyebrows raised: 14
  • “Madness? …What kind of madness?”: 1
  • Volstagg, in waist size (inches): confusingly, 40
  • Mystic Ancient Teleporters: 1
  • Lightning Gods tased: 1
  • “THIS MORTAL FORM HAS GROWN WEAK. I NEED SUSTENANCE.”: 1
  • Unexpected Mud Wrestling People: 2
  • Seconds taken to talk a man guilty of multiple counts of GBH out of a secure military facility: 140
  • Hooble telescopes: 1
  • Sif pissed-off factor: surprisingly little
  • Metal Factor: approximately 8000
  • B-Movie Factor: over 9000

Overall: 4 / 5

The Marvellator

Posted on by
Reply

“The Marvellator” is a simple PHP script that generates random, bizarre or possibly worrying comic book titles, usually in the style of “The Amazing Spiderman”, “Incredible X-Men” etc. I think the most horrifying prospect it’s generated for me is “The Adventures of Tiny Rorschach” — even more horrifying because it actually exists. (Thanks Frankie.)

Naturally, this has nothing to do with Marvel Comics in any way (please don’t sue me).

You can:

Film Review by the Numbers: The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Posted on by
4

The Incredible Hulk (2008) (not to be confused with Hulk (2003), the Incredible Hulk (1987) or the Pretty Good, I Guess Hulk (2013).)

BRUCE BANNER blah blah blah SCIENCE blah blah BLOOD blah blah GREEN blah HULK SMASH. Blah blah ANGST. Some STUFF happens, and it was generally a bit better than the PREVIOUS ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE HULK MOVIE.

Punches thrown by Giant Mutant Things: Over 9000
Purple stretchy pants: 1
Armoured vehicles exploded: 7
Abominations that involve bacon: 0
Abominations that do not involve bacon: 1
Guatemala: 1
Guatepeor: 1
Lolphysics moments: 2 (excluding the premise itself)
HULK SMASH: 1
Robert Downey Jrs: 1
Samuel L. Jacksons: 0
Movies with almost identical endings we still have to put up with before they finally make the damn SHIELD movie: 3?

Overall: 3/5