Film Review by the Numbers: Dragonball Evolution

Syn­op­sis

GOKU, a FAILURE, fails. Then, when his FIRST EVER SUCCESS occurs, GREEN JAMES MARSTERS turns up and kills his GRANDDAD. Nat­u­rally, he then embarks on an EPIC QUEST to COLLECT THE MACGUFFINS and SAVE THE WORLD and DEFEAT THE BAD GUY and GET THE GIRL and WEAR A FLUORESCENT ORANGE GI and KAMEHAMEHA and OH GOD I’M JUST GOING TO DRINK UNTIL I FORGET I’M WATCHING THIS.

By the Numbers


…You know what? Screw it.

  • Gohan chicken feet level: over 9000
  • Goku angst level: over 9000
  • Mai boob level: over 9000
  • Pic­colo melanin level: over 9000
  • Bulma tech level: over 9000
  • Mas­ter Roshi fash­ion level: over 9000
  • Yam­cha douchebag level: over 9000
  • Chi-chi twincest bat­tle level: over 9000
  • KAMEHAMEHA: over 9000
  • Stil­ton level: over 9000
  • Blood-alcohol con­tent: over 9000

Over­all: OVER 9000 / OVER 9000

This is the zenith of all Film Review by the Num­bers. This is the moment. I need more mead.

Cherry Blossom and Reminiscence

Last night I ended up watch­ing the last few episodes of an anime series called Card­cap­tor Sakura, which by my reck­on­ing is at least ten years since I watched it all the way through as a kid.

At the time, I sup­pose the main character’s relent­lessly chirpy atti­tude had quite an effect on me. I watched a lot of sim­i­lar stuff around that time, and some­how the idea that being some­what self-sacrificing and being con­stantly happy at peo­ple would Make Every­thing Okay got stuck in my head.

Actu­ally it seemed to work pretty well when I was that age, but that atti­tude prob­a­bly got stuck for rather too long — case in point, here’s me still spaffing Card­cap­tor Sakura song lyrics on my Live­Jour­nal at age 19. Of course, approach­ing life with the atti­tude of a fic­tional, supernaturally-chirpy 10-year-old girl didn’t really sur­vive first con­tact with Uni­ver­sity life, and cer­tainly not with fatherhood.

But watch­ing the series again still makes me happy, both to see the char­ac­ters fall in love again, and to remind myself how glad I am that I am no longer that naive.

And kind of con­fused that, despite the first time I watched Card­cap­tor Sakura seem­ing so recent, it was nearly half my life­time ago.

Film Review by the Numbers: Ponyo

Syn­op­sis:

A WEIRD FISH-THING escapes from a WEIRD HUMAN-THING, comes ashore and falls in love with an ACTUAL HUMAN. WEIRD FISH-THING is then re-captured by WEIRD HUMAN-THING, but escapes, and returns to reclaim her love by LAYING WASTE TO HALF A CITY and AN ENTIRE SHIPPING FLEET with a GIANT ALL-CONQUERING FISH TSUNAMI, then alters EARTH’S MAGNETIC FIELD to DESTROY THE WORLD by crash­ing the MOON into it.

So basi­cally she’s FRIEZA, but also a FISH that’s in LOVE with a FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

Oh, MIYAZAKI.

By the Numbers:

Miniponyos: over 9000 (that was easy)
Miniponyo creepi­ness: like­wise
Gold­fish: 0
Good dri­ving habits demon­strated by mother: 0
Evil guys wear­ing eye­liner: 1
Crab shields: 0.5
Won­drous Fish Explosion-Tsunami: 1
Approx­i­mate Rides of the Valkyries: 2
Evil baby-stares: 4
Joe Hisaishi fac­tor: 275
Hayao Miyazaki fac­tor: lost count

Over­all: 3/5